Since becoming a mom almost a year ago, I've started to feel like I'm losing my identity. I don't have time to do the things that make me, me. It takes me three days to paint my nails because it just can't seem to dry fast enough for me to do chores or even pick up Harley. It always ends up smudged or fingerprinted or something. My weight is STILL constantly fluctuating, meaning I'm always either pulling my pants back up or sucking my gut in (and tight pants make my stretch marks ITCH). I can't go out for a walk because even if I don't care about the weather (personally, walking around in the rain was one of my favorite things to do because I stay cool), my neighborhood doesn't have sidewalks so I can't push a stroller around without risking a car hitting us, the weather can easily be too hot/too cold, and it's hard to lug a baby around in a sling while carrying a full diaper bag then have to walk up our rather long and steep driveway to get home.
I want to be able to go out with friends again, I really do. But I don't drive and I don't make any money (besides Swagbucks, which we use mostly for bills), so I have to wait for a friend to invite me out and say, "Hey, I'll pick you up and pay for everything." You can't just go around asking, "Can you take me to the movies and pay for everything? I need friend time." It's been more than three years since I last hung out with friends. THREE YEARS. And that was only because I went back to Arizona for a few days, and my friends there wanted to see me. Before that was at least two years. So, five years has gone by and I've only hung out with friends once, and there's not a single damn thing I can do about it.
The friend thing really sucks. I'm stuck with Anthony all the time, and he's gotten tired of me wanting to talk to him about the same things over and over. I really don't have anyone else to talk to about some things. Like now, I'd prefer to be telling him the things I've posted here, but I've worn it all out with him. If I could, I'd go to a friend instead. While I have friends that I talk to, I need more than a talk right now. I need a hug.
Cabin fever came, peaked, and never totally went away. I go out past our mailbox what, once every two weeks on average? Financial issues abound. I feel like a housemaid and nanny. I can't drive yet, and Anthony never wants to go anywhere once he gets home from work. I work two 24/7 jobs (maid and mom) and never get a day off, because even if one job is out of the picture, I always have the other. Anthony can't change poopy diapers because they make him throw up (can't really blame him for that, but that doesn't make it any less annoying). It's different variations on the same few problems.
I just want a hug.
No comments:
Post a Comment